Family, friends, and even mere acquaintances are left with a wide range of feelings after someone in their life commits suicide. Feelings of responsibility, regret, and helplessness manifest in a complex experience called Survivor’s Guilt. This painful guilt grows from a sense of intense remorse felt by loved ones who are burdened by the “what if” mindset. These thoughts can be paralyzing, leaving survivors questioning their actions or inactions in the wake of an unimaginable loss.
But first, it’s important to point out that suicide continues to be one of our country’s most disturbing health problems. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s latest statistics show that more than 49,000 people committed suicide in 2022. (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, n.d.) Think about this: for every person who dies by suicide, there are likely more than 60 others – family, friends, and loved ones – left struggling with guilt and loss. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, n.d.) That’s more than 2,940,000 people potentially suffering from the heavy weight of Survivor’s Guilt.
This experience can be isolating. Yet, research shows that those who are grappling with these feelings, suicide-loss survivors, are far from alone. By better understanding the roots of this guilt, individuals can begin to process and ultimately overcome it.
One of the most common questions that stems from Survivor’s Guilt is “What if?” After someone commits suicide, loved ones are often left wondering, “What if I had noticed something sooner?” or “What if I had reached out?” Often, suicide-loss survivors are left with a need for understanding or control. That is a common psychological response to trauma, as individuals often seek explanations to restore a sense of order to their lives.
By finding a reason for a traumatic event, individuals feel less vulnerable, as they believe they can anticipate or prevent similar occurrences in the future. This may be particularly true for parents whose children commit suicide. They may be desperate for answers so the same doesn’t happen to their other children. The effects of Survivor’s Guilt can also reach as far as neighbors, teachers, and coaches.
However, reeling over the “what ifs” and “whys” can lead to increased anxiety, obsessive thinking patterns, and even depression. It’s important to gently remind ourselves that this choice was not ours to make. No one person holds all the power over another’s life. (Bolton, n.d.)
Unresolved trauma combined with guilt can also deepen feelings of self-blame. This internalization of guilt can prevent healing, as it places the responsibility solely on the survivor, even when there was nothing they could have done. The psychological link between the two is powerful; the more a person feels responsible for the loss, the harder it becomes to move past it.
In order to heal, people need to switch the focus from self-blame to self-forgiveness. This process recognizes that, while it is natural to wish we could have done more, the reality is that we cannot change the past. Self-forgiveness does not mean excusing or minimizing what happened, but rather, it’s about releasing the burden of guilt and allowing space for healing.
As Maya Angelou once said, “We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness.”
Coping with Survivor’s Guilt is not one-size-fits-all. Take it one day at a time and let yourself feel the pain; that means it’s okay to cry. It’s normal to even feel angry at the person who committed suicide. And it’s okay to express it. (Bolton, n.d.)
Self-forgiveness and compassion will become your healing duo. Exercises like writing compassionate letters to oneself or practicing positive self-talk are great starting points when you’re ready. Additionally, connecting with others who have been impacted by the same loss can provide significant emotional support. Sharing experiences with those who understand the complexity of Survivor’s Guilt fosters a sense of community and can alleviate the feeling of isolation. This can also be done through support groups.
When you find yourself revisiting those “what ifs,” it’s okay not to have all the answers. Sometimes, the path to healing involves accepting that complete understanding may never come. Over time, you may find peace in the partial answers. It’s a gradual process, but allowing yourself the space to let go of the need for certainty can bring a sense of relief and help you move forward with greater emotional balance. (Feigelman, Gorman, & Jordan, 2015)
Post-traumatic growth is possible, and the most important solution to Survivor’s Guilt is moving forward. It’s imperative that we find meaning in our continued living. For some, this could mean creating a lasting legacy, whether through writing, artistic expression, or sharing personal stories. Others may find meaning in actively participating in suicide prevention efforts.
It never hurts to seek professional help. Survivor’s Guilt is a type of complicated grief that is often far beyond anyone’s normal understanding. Speaking to a licensed professional is a helpful way to truly break down your feelings and uncover and understand the root causes of your guilt.
As suicide rates continue to increase, those affected by suicide will follow suit. To prevent further tragedy, individuals must embrace self-forgiveness, seek support, and gradually shift focus from the “what ifs” to a healthier perspective. Remember, you are not alone in this experience, and with time and compassion, it is possible to emerge stronger and more resilient. Healing is a process, and every small step toward understanding and acceptance is progress.
Lorna Wittenrich, MA, QS, LMHC, is Director of Clinical Services at Dupont Counseling Group. Dupont Counseling Group, a division of The LJD Jewish Family & Community Services (JFCS), provides trusted mental health services in Jacksonville, FL. With more than 70 years of combined experience, its team of professional mental health counselors, marriage/family therapists, and clinical social workers offers individual, family, and couples counseling for children, adults, and seniors. For more information, visit JacksonvilleCounseling.org.
Sources
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Retrieved from https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/
Bolton, I. (n.d.). Beyond surviving: Suggestions for survivors.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). Mental health: Suicide prevention. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7190787/#B1
Feigelman, W., Gorman, B. S., & Jordan, J. R. (2015). Stigmatization and suicide bereavement. Social Sciences, 4(3), 688–705. https://www.mdpi.com/2076-0760/4/3/688
