Death, as well as other major losses, is dealt with differently by different agencies and at different times in the life of an agency. Our “work family” is often an important part of our lives, so it is important to realize that dealing with loss at work sets the tone for how these relationships are experienced. Major losses at work can also include an important team member leaving or even losing a valued program. In my observation, relationships are often defined by how they end. Not acknowledging a death, or a team member’s departure, leaves people without a collective space to mourn. It begs the question as to whether we matter to the people we work with or the agency as a whole. It’s all well and good to have a “staff appreciation day” or a glowing evaluation, but if the most consequential thing that can happen to us, besides being born, is ignored or minimized, no expression of appreciation can truly be felt to be valid.
My family recently suffered a sudden and devastating loss. A beloved cousin, who had been dealing with renal disease for years, took a sudden turn for the worse. My daughter hopped on a plane from Washington State to New Jersey to see her, knowing that the end was near. Sadly, she did not arrive in time. She took some comfort in knowing that at least she would be there for the funeral. Unfortunately, this was during a period when temperatures were in the teens. Since many of my cousin’s friends and relatives were in their seventies, it was decided by her immediate family to forgo a funeral and have a memorial service in a few weeks, when the weather was more conducive to gathering. While this was clearly in the best interest of all involved, my family felt a collective emptiness. What do we do with all these feelings of loss? Where were the rituals that gave us guidance and comfort during the worst of times? The circumstances dictated how we would collectively mourn but did not change the hollow feeling. This event gave me pause to appreciate the importance of collective mourning, of having a structure to connect, as well as a time and place to experience grief. It also brought back memories of experiences I’ve had at workplaces where grief and mourning were ignored.
During the pandemic, agencies were scrambling to do everything they could to keep everyone safe. I became aware of the death of a young case manager at my agency. Little was said about the cause of death. Given the chaos of those early days of the shutdown, no memorial service was scheduled (although a virtual gathering could have been arranged). I remember the first Zoom meeting after we learned of their passing. There was no mention of the death or moment of silence. The feeling after that first staff meeting included a lack of closure and a painful existential question. If this person’s death would go unacknowledged, would it matter if I disappeared? Do any of us matter to this organization?
A more egregious example of minimizing the death of someone occurred at an agency that employs many peer workers. One of the peers, who was known to his co-workers for years, began to deteriorate after his housing became unstable. He relapsed after a long period of sobriety and started to spend the money he had saved on drugs. His stable housing was lost, and he ended up in a shelter. However, his health issues, which had been kept at bay, began to exacerbate and after a year of being in and out of hospitals, with his former colleagues trying to help him manage his affairs, he passed away. This friendly face that was a part of the fabric of the program, where we all worked, was suddenly gone. The manager of the program planned a memorial service for the same day that the peer workers were scheduled for their on-site group supervision, a few days after learning of his death. The manager was concerned about how the loss would affect the peer workers because, in this particular program, all the peers had lived experience with substances. Their risk of relapse over this loss was substantially increased. (The agency had announced, vaguely, that they would do a memorial “some time” the following month; again, what do we do with our feelings in the meantime?). The manager received an email from her supervisor just prior to the start of the memorial, chastising her for scheduling a service when there was a monthly management meeting on the calendar at the same time as the memorial. When the manager responded to the email noting the importance of giving the peers a place to grieve, she was told, in a stunning lack of empathy, “The staff can deal with that next week.” The manager was then left with the task of telling the other supervisors that they had to choose between the memorial and the meeting (which was routinely recorded on zoom). The interpersonal damage had been done. The idea that people will deal with their grief when management has time to facilitate it is a textbook example of insensitivity as to how human beings actually work. It is an abandonment of leadership when it is needed most.
Several years ago, shortly after my brother passed away, I was telling my colleagues about “sitting Shiva.” I was surprised to find out that they were completely unaware of this Jewish custom. (Shiva – which literally means “seven” – is the Jewish ritual of staying home for seven days following the funeral of an immediate family member, and receiving guests, who traditionally bring food as a community effort to care for the family). Shortly after that conversation, my agency was doing their annual Quality Improvement Project (QI) with the theme of “Improving Cultural Competence.” My team chose to have an “Understanding Mourning Rituals” workshop. This included people bringing in dishes reflecting their culture and talking about the mourning rituals that they were brought up with. This took place in a residence for people with homelessness, substance use disorder, and psychiatric illness. The staff and the residents both participated in the meal and discussion. We talked about Shiva (over noodle kugel), what goes on at a wake, at a Christian funeral service (in both the North and the South, as African American churches have unique customs). Most importantly, we talked about how to support each other during times of loss and began to normalize talking about the pain of grief.
Regarding my own family situation, as my daughter was preparing to fly back to Washington where she works for a large, multinational corporation, she received a gift from her manager; a Door Dash card, to provide a meal for her and the family. It felt like a “virtual Shiva meal.” This small and unexpected act of kindness left us feeling that the people she works for really care about her and her colleagues.
I would like to offer the following suggestions to support staff during times of loss:
- When a staff member passes away, a meeting should be held as soon as possible with the staff and clients involved.
- (Remember, if the person we lost doesn’t matter, do any of us matter?) This initial meeting should not be in lieu of a memorial or some type of service.
- Identify staff and/or peer workers who might be most at risk.
- Have HR or senior staff check in within a few weeks to see how people are doing.
- Have a “cultural exchange project,” (such as the “Understanding Mourning Rituals” meal cited above) either in individual programs or across the agency, for people to learn about the customs of each other’s cultures. This can include mourning rituals, responding to illness, or (more happily) how to support people with births or marriages. This is a way to learn how to best support our colleagues.
- Have HR protocols to reach out to people when they have had a significant loss. Some cultures highly value flowers, some food (as a care taking effort), some baskets, and some donations. What is most important is that the loss be acknowledged.
Sadly, loss and grief will always be a part of life. But if we can talk about it, and create healthy connections to cope with it, we can create a stronger and more supportive work community.
Elaine Edelman, PhD, LCSW, CASAC-Adv., is a Professor of Practice in Social Work and Addiction Counseling at Kansas State University and can be reached at eleh@verizon.net.
