She leaned in close to me, whispering as if we were girlfriends rather than therapist and client: “I’m trying to get pregnant because then I’ll have someone who will love me forever and never leave me.”
How do I, as a compassionate therapist, gently explain to this 13-year-old girl that babies do not come into the world loving their mothers? That, in truth, it is mothers who must unconditionally love their babies—despite the fact that she herself has offered unwavering love to a mother who has never been able to give her what she so desperately needs.
Understanding Relational Trauma
Relational trauma refers to the repeated disruption of safe, supportive interpersonal relationships—most often between parent and child—during key developmental periods (Gilson & Abela, 2021). While widely discussed in both literature and therapeutic contexts, relational trauma is not formally recognized in the DSM-5, which presents a diagnostic challenge. Without accurate recognition, effective treatment is often delayed or misdirected.
Two key elements form the foundation of healthy development in infancy: secure attachment and attunement.
- Attachment describes the emotional bond between caregiver and child. Four primary attachment styles have been identified: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized (Suneel et al., 2022). These patterns often carry into adulthood if not addressed early (Jacobsen et al., 2024).
- Attunement, on the other hand, refers to the caregiver’s ability to be emotionally in sync with the child—responding to their internal and external states in a way that feels seen and understood (Passaquindici et al., 2024). This emotional “meeting place” is only possible when the caregiver can regulate their own emotions, especially when the child is distressed.
The Weight of Motherhood
Motherhood is inherently challenging. The body has undergone a profound physical transformation, hormonal shifts are ongoing, and the demands of caring for a newborn are relentless. The mother must not only survive but also serve as the emotional regulator for her child—ensuring secure attachment and attunement, even when she herself feels depleted.
Many mothers aim to be better than their own parents—a commendable goal. But if a mother has never experienced secure attachment or emotional safety, how can she be expected to offer what she never received? When early caregiving relationships were marked by fear, neglect, or inconsistency, the mother may lack the internal framework needed to tolerate her child’s difficult behaviors or emotional needs.
Unresolved relational trauma can manifest in many ways: a mother may appear overly controlling or emotionally absent, anxiously hovering, or chronically disengaged. These patterns are often signs of a nervous system still wired for survival. Whether in response to physical or emotional threats, the brain resorts to fight, flight, freeze—or eventually, emotional shutdown.
Healing in the Home and in Therapy
Motherhood is hard. It’s exhausting. And there are moments when even the most resilient mother questions whether she can make it through.
The pressures of social media compound this struggle. New mothers are bombarded with filtered images of smiling babies and effortlessly glowing parents. For a mother who hasn’t showered in days or feels like she’s failing, these images can breed shame and isolation. But they are highlight reels—not the real, raw moments of self-doubt, tears, and uncertainty that every parent experiences.
So, how does one know when to seek professional help? The answer is simple: it’s never wrong to ask for support. Therapy offers mothers a safe space to express their needs, explore their history, and restore emotional balance. Often, what a mother truly needs is the presence of others who can offer her the very thing she must offer her child: secure attachment and compassionate attunement.
Practical Support for New Mothers
Here are a few actionable ways to support new mothers—whether you’re a partner, family member, friend, or professional:
- Create space for honest conversations. Validate the mother’s feelings. Babies can be both adorable and exhausting—these realities are not mutually exclusive.
- Support physical and emotional self-care. Help the mother tune in to her own needs and prioritize them without guilt.
- Model and teach healthy attachment behaviors. Especially for young mothers or those with histories of trauma, offer concrete guidance: make eye contact, smile, laugh together, and encourage skin-to-skin contact.
Conclusion
Relational trauma doesn’t begin—or end—with childhood. It echoes through generations, quietly shaping the way we love, attach, and care for others. But when we name it, recognize it, and address it with compassion, we can begin to break the cycle.
Every mother deserves to feel seen, supported, and emotionally held—just as every child deserves the same. And sometimes, the healing begins with a whisper.
Dr. Victoria Sanders, PhD, LMFT 52610, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the CEO of VMS Family Counseling Services, based at 2350 W. Shaw Avenue, Suite 116, Fresno, CA 93711. She can be reached at 559-573-4194, through her website at www.dr.vickisanders.com, or on Instagram and Facebook.
References
Gilson, M., & Abela, A. (2021). The therapeutic alliance with parents and their children working through a relational trauma in the family. Contemporary Family Therapy, 43, 343–358. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09607-4
Jacobsen, C., Falkenstrom, F., Castonguay, J., Nielsen, S., Lunn, S., Lauritzen, L., & Poulsen, S. (2024). The relationship between attachment needs, earned secure therapeutic attachment, and outcome in adult psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 92(7), 410–421. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000900
Passaquindici, I., et al. (2024). From inner to dyadic connection: The role of mindfulness in mother-infant interaction during the first year of life. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 8(18). https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2024.1398042
Suneel, I., Schwaiger, E., Zehra, S., & Nazim, A. (2022). Differences in perceived parental practices across attachment styles in adult children of alcoholic fathers. Applied Psychology, 8(8). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.heliyon.2022.e10317
