Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night wondering if you’re doing enough as a mother, even after giving everything you had that day?
Do you constantly second-guess your parenting decisions, compare yourself to other moms, or feel like you’re falling short, no matter how hard you try?
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. What you’re experiencing may not just be anxiety or exhaustion. It may be something deeper, something that’s rarely talked about in maternal mental health conversations: the reactivation of old emotional wounds and patterns that began long before motherhood.
Aspiring to be a “Good Mother”
Most women begin their parenting journey determined to be “good” mothers. They read all the how-to-parent books and prepare themselves to be attuned, selfless, responsive, and nurturing mothers. Too often, they set themselves up with a criterion that they have to live up to and end up feeling that, because they are tired, irritable, and want a break, there is something wrong with them.
Unknowingly, they have triggered their unconscious fear that they don’t have what it takes to be a “good” mother. Their fear of not being good enough manifests in pushing themselves harder and neglecting their own needs. For those with unhealed attachment wounds, motherhood hasn’t just brought sleepless nights and feeding schedules. It has stirred up deep-seated insecurities rooted in childhood experiences where love was conditional, needs were minimized, or emotional expression was unsafe.
These women often fall into familiar codependent patterns, such as perfectionism, over-functioning, and people-pleasing, that once helped them survive emotionally in their family of origin. As mothers, they become hypervigilant and anxious, interpreting every cry, sleep regression, or tantrum as a sign of their failure. They compare themselves constantly to other mothers, convinced they are falling short. In trying to prove their worth through flawless parenting, they develop a codependent dynamic with their child, relying on their child’s behavior to affirm their adequacy as a mother.
What results is not the nurturing, secure bond they intend to create but a high-pressure performance of motherhood that depletes them emotionally and distances them from their Authentic Self. This self-abandonment, masked as devotion, fuels anxiety and burnout and too often goes unrecognized by medical providers, therapists, and even other mothers.
What Is Codependency, Really?
Codependency is traditionally linked to addiction and dysfunctional relationships and is often misunderstood as a personality flaw. However, when viewed through the lens of attachment and developmental psychology, it’s clear how codependent behaviors are actually survival strategies that become unconscious behavioral patterns ingrained in our brains and nervous systems in response to our early conditioning. These adaptations shape how we connect and protect ourselves. Even if we feel secure in some relationships, the codependent patterns can resurface in unfamiliar situations, especially when we feel vulnerable, judged, or are forming new bonds, pulling us away from our Authentic Self and back into self-protective behaviors.
In homes where love had to be earned through good behavior or where parents were emotionally unavailable, children learned to suppress their own needs and prioritize the needs of others. They became hyper-attuned to the emotions of caregivers, sacrificing authenticity for the sake of some degree of attachment. Over time, this becomes hardwired into the brain’s stress response and attachment systems.
These coping strategies often carry into adulthood, and for many women, even those who’ve done therapy and worked hard to heal attachment patterns, motherhood can reactivate them. The emotional intensity, constant demands, and vulnerability of caring for a child can trigger old survival behaviors, making it feel as though all that progress has disappeared.
The Neuropsychology of the “Good Mother” Persona
From a brain-based perspective, codependent behaviors emerge from early disruptions in the development of the limbic and prefrontal systems. When emotional attunement and co-regulation are absent in early childhood, the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, becomes overactive. This type of conditioning creates chronic hypervigilance, anxiety, and difficulty regulating emotions. It also leaves mothers predisposed to reacting to their feelings and the “not good enough” story that accompanies them rather than to their child’s needs.
During childhood, the development of the prefrontal cortex is stalled because of the over functioning of the amygdala. This part of the brain, responsible for boundary-setting, perspective-taking, and self-reflection, doesn’t fully integrate with the emotional centers, causing us to control our emotions instead of maturing them. When the codependency pattern is reactivated with their child, it causes mothers to prioritize the real or imagined needs and expectations of others over their own, despite knowing they need to rest, say no, or ask for help.
Their nervous system responds as though self-care or boundary-setting is a threat to their survival because, in their early experiences, expressing needs often led to disconnection, punishment, or shame.
In the context of motherhood, this neuropsychological pattern leads to:
- Relentless self-monitoring and anxiety over parenting decisions
- Guilt and shame when trying to meet one’s own needs
- Emotional fusion with the child—feeling responsible for the child’s every feeling or behavior
- Difficulty asking for or receiving help
- A chronic sense of not being “good enough.”
These symptoms are not simply byproducts of stress or hormones. They are expressions of an unhealed developmental delay that affects identity, self-worth, and emotional regulation.
Why This Goes Unseen
The most insidious aspect of maternal codependency is how normalized and even praised it becomes. A mother who sacrifices everything, never complains, and is endlessly attentive is seen as devoted and loving. But under the surface, these women are emotionally depleted, anxious, and living from a performative “Imposter Persona” rather than their Authentic Self.
This invisible struggle contributes to the following:
- Postpartum mood disorders: Chronic self-abandonment and emotional dysregulation are key features of anxiety and depression in mothers.
- Parental burnout: Mothers who are unable to set boundaries or advocate for their own needs become emotionally and physically exhausted.
- Intergenerational trauma: Children raised by mothers in codependent patterns often struggle to develop secure attachments and healthy emotional regulation themselves.
Because codependency doesn’t always look like a crisis, it’s rarely addressed in maternal mental health care. But ignoring these patterns leaves women stuck in survival mode, silently suffering behind a mask of perfection, striving to be a good mother rather than a mother who seeks to meet their child’s needs while taking care of themselves.
A New Path Forward
Developing from codependency in motherhood begins with recognizing it not as a character flaw but as an adaptive response that’s no longer serving us. We cannot build resilience, emotional regulation, or secure attachment without first acknowledging where we’ve been developmentally delayed.
Here are three core strategies for ensuring you mother from your Authentic Self:
- Challenge Your Beliefs
The first step is to identify and unlearn the belief that motherhood means martyrdom. All humans have emotional, physical, and psychological needs, including mothers. When these needs are consistently dismissed, both mother and child suffer.
Practice: Identify one unmet need each day—rest, solitude, nourishment, connection—and take one small action to meet it without guilt or apology.
- Respond, Don’t React
Rather than reacting to every cry, mood, or perceived need as though it were a life-or-death situation, take a breath and respond to what is happening with clarity and intention. Children need to learn to delay gratification, and it doesn’t serve this developmental requirement when you jump to attention at the first cry or ask. Recognize that being at everyone else’s beck and call depletes you and leaves you more vulnerable to self-doubt and self-judgment.
Practice: When you feel the urge to react immediately, pause and take one deep breath. Ask yourself, “Is this truly urgent, or can I respond calmly after finishing what I was doing?” The practice of mindfulness is critical in increasing the ability to be in the present moment and respond, not react.
- Build Regulating Relationships and Support Systems
Codependent mothers believe they have to do it all themselves to prove they are “good” mothers. They believe that asking for help means they are failing as a mother. But the truth is, we were never meant to do this alone. We find joy in motherhood when we’re held, heard, and supported by people who remind us that our needs matter, too. Whether it’s a friend who truly listens, a partner who actually shows up as a partner, or a coach who helps you stay grounded, sharing the weight is not a weakness; it’s how we are meant to be as mothers.
Practice: Reach out to someone you trust to get perspective and share how you’re really feeling. Start building a circle of support that sees and honors you, not just the role you play. Work with a therapist to stop you from reinforcing the codependent patterns you have worked so hard to release yourself from.
Final Thoughts
Motherhood is one of the most profound and demanding transformations a woman can experience. It has the power to reawaken our deepest wounds—but also to offer us an opportunity to heal them. By recognizing codependent patterns as the result of unresolved developmental trauma, not personal failure, we free mothers from the impossible standards that keep them stuck.
Supporting maternal mental health means moving beyond symptom management and toward deeper emotional integration. It means helping women reconnect with their Authentic selves, not so they can be perfect mothers, but so they can be present ones. Because when a mother connects to herself, she can connect to her child, and the cycle of self-abandonment finally comes to an end.
Let’s stop telling mothers to be everything to everyone. Let’s help them become themselves.
Anne Dranitsaris, PhD, is a Psychotherapist, Leadership Coach, and Author. You can connect with Anne Dranitsaris, PhD, via email at anned@annedranitsaris.com. Find her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or visit her websites at www.annedranitsaris.com, www.dranitsaris-hilliard.com, and www.strivingstyles.com. Explore her YouTube Channel, and check out her books available on Amazon.
References
- Crittenden, P. M. (2008). Raising Parents: Attachment, Parenting, and Child Safety. Routledge.
- Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
Resources (books)
- Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel
- Power Past the Imposter Syndrome by Anne Dranitsaris
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
