Parents consider starting therapy for a number of different reasons. You might be looking into options to help your child or adolescent manage mood challenges like anxiety or depression. Maybe you’re interested in learning new parenting skills to address behavioral challenges and learn how you can best support your child. Or you may just want to make sure they have an additional resource to turn to for emotional support.
Skills-based therapies like cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can teach you and your child different strategies to help address emotional struggles, improve your relationship, and more effectively navigate challenging situations. If you and your child have never been in therapy before, then you may not know the best way to approach the idea of starting therapy. To help you navigate that conversation, here are a few key tips to keep in mind.
Explain What Therapy is and Its Purpose
It’s helpful for children of all ages to have a framework for the purpose of therapy and how it works. Taking the time to explain to your child why therapy is important is a good first step to help everyone make the most of the therapeutic experience.
Use language that is developmentally appropriate for your child’s age. Make sure they understand that they will be working with a special kind of doctor called a psychologist. Younger kids may be receptive to the phrase “feelings doctor.” This is someone who is there to help them talk about their problems and learn how to get more in touch with their emotions.
Older children would benefit from a more in-depth explanation of how a psychologist is someone who has specialized education and training. This is what makes a psychologist someone who can help them overcome challenges they may be having related to school, friendships, family, and other areas of their life.
Depending on the reasons you are starting therapy, you might use one of these approaches to help explain what therapy is for:
- The “Coach” Approach: Let your child know that a therapist is someone who will try to connect with them about their skills. Just like the coach on a sports team, their therapist is there to help them meet their goals. Even though pro athletes are great at what they do, they still have a coach to give them tips and tricks that help them learn how to improve.
- Strengths & Weaknesses Approach: Remind your child that everyone is good at different things and invite them to share some of the things they are good at (their strengths). Then, ask them if they think there are other things that they would like to improve (their weaknesses). Remind your child that hat therapy is a place where they can learn ways to strengthen their areas of weakness.
Review the Therapy Process with Your Child
It’s a good idea to let your child know what to expect before they attend their first therapy session. Let them know that it will be an opportunity for the therapist to get to know them. They will ask questions to learn more about their hobbies, interests, friends, and school. The therapist will want to hear about things that are going well in addition to the areas where they are struggling.
After gathering information, the therapist will use the next session to share what they think is going on, help set goals for therapy, and explain how they plan to work together to help achieve these goals. Then, in weekly sessions, the therapist will share different tips, tricks, and strategies with your child to help them work toward their therapy goals. They may even provide activities to practice at home, perhaps with a parent, to strengthen those skills.
Emphasize that Therapy is a Team Effort
When you present going to therapy as a way to resolve a “family issue,” it helps your child feel less ostracized in the experience. Emphasize that you are going to therapy to help support them and that you are committed to supporting them in the process.
Therapy is about working toward a common goal and finding ways to work together to help address issues. Present participating in therapy as “we are going” instead of “you are going” to remind them that they are not alone. This small yet meaningful shift reminds the child that therapy is a team effort.
Be Honest with Your Child
When first starting therapy, it is common for parents to meet with the therapist before the child gets involved. You should be open with your child and make them aware that you had that meeting. Transparency is key— even a lie of omission can make your child feel misled and compromise their trust. As you continue with therapy, you may have additional parent-only meetings with the therapist, and you should share this information with your child as it occurs.
Respect Your Child’s Privacy
While therapy is a team effort, it is also important to allow your child a sense of privacy in the therapy space. This is particularly true for older children and teens. It’s okay to ask open-ended questions like “How did you feel about your session today?” but if your child is hesitant to open up, do not pry. Give them space so that they feel their privacy is respected. If your child thinks that they do not have privacy in this experience, they may be more resistant to engaging in therapy, which will limit its effectiveness. Generally speaking, if your child shares something critical with their therapist, the therapist will update you so that you know how best to support your child.
What to Do if Your Child is Resistant to Starting Therapy
Even after a thoughtful conversation about how therapy works and the ways in which it could be helpful, some children and adolescents will still refuse to attend. Your child’s willingness to participate in therapy is an important part of the success of treatment. While you want to help your child and make sure they are supported, it’s important not to push too hard.
There is strong evidence that parent training has a positive impact on your child’s behavior. By working directly with a child psychologist, you can learn how to help shape your child’s environment to support them in becoming their best self. In fact, a parent-focused approach is the most effective approach for learning strategies to help manage childhood concerns related to ADHD and disruptive behaviors. This can be a good first step for many families, and your therapist can help make a plan to get your child more involved when the time is right.
How to Get Started with Therapy
If you and your child are ready to get started with therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who is the right fit. A good therapist will be able to support both you and your child, helping you work together to meet your shared goals. Searching for a psychologist who specializes in working with children can be a helpful starting point. A child psychologist who is trained in cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) can teach your child different skills to help manage behaviors and emotions and help you learn strategies to effectively support them.
This article has been previously published in the Jewish Link and is modified from an original article at centerforcbt.org/blog/.
Meir Flancbaum, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and the director of the Center for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The Center for Cognitive Behavior Therapy provides in-person CBT and DBT in New Jersey and telehealth in most states. We specialize in helping children, adolescents, young adults, and families navigate challenges such as ADHD, anxiety, tics, trichotillomania, depression, and suicidality. For more information, please visit www.CenterForCBT.org or call (732) 994-3456.
